So far in this series, I’ve been addressing how to define a man, his purpose (from part four) and the struggles of men from mostly a secular viewpoint. I’ve also been leaning heavily on feminism because, in spite of what fourth stage feminism and general progressivism says, it’s very hard to bring one group up without tearing another group down.

Certainly, there has been a great need in some areas to support women but as I’ve previously said, any effort to “dismantle the patriarchy” ends up dismantling men as individuals and a group as well. One example is changing the Boy Scouts of America from a boys/men only group aimed at building and nurturing the next generation of men to an equity for all poster child, including girls/women because anything “all male” is always deemed “non-inclusive,” “patriarchy,” and “misogynistic.”

In other words, many of the goals of feminism are resulting in creating the toxic masculinity they are trying to exterminate.

But what can be done to help men?

It’s a serious crisis. Although women attempt suicide more frequently than men, four times as many men commit suicide as women.

Actor Michael Rosenbaum recently went on twitter on behalf of the men’s support organization Movember to address this very issue.

But since this is a religiously oriented blog (you may have forgotten that for most of this series), maybe there’s an answer for men in Christianity (or in some other faith tradition, but I’m most familiar with Christianity).

I’ve mentioned that many men have been taught to be loners, to never talk about their feelings or struggles, to compete rather than cooperate with other men, and to deny their problems even to their own female partners (I don’t know how this works in gay relationships when both partners are male). Attempts to “network” men are frequently discounted, insulted, or actively opposed.

By definition (or so you’d think) a religious man (my basic orientation is Christian with some knowledge of Judaism) should not be alone socially. We have a church or synagogue. We have other men within the context of our faith to relate to and share with. Men’s groups within the religious body are not shunned. How many “men’s breakfasts” do churches have, and in the Orthodox Jewish community, a minyan is made up of a minimum of ten men.

But what is a “godly man?” According to Watermark.org there are five attributes. Click the link to read them, but they don’t seem to add much from my perspective. Moving on.

Manhoodjourney.org is a little better with their big five. You’d think the first three would be a given, but the last two, “The Godly Man Builds Relationships” and “The Godly Man Serves Others” directly address what I’ve already said about men being defined by a social and interactive context.

I want to say that both of these sources tend to cherry pick scripture to make their points. A lot of Pastors do that every Sunday to craft their sermons. That isn’t necessarily bad, but it does remove the overarching background of those verses which also eliminates or changes the meaning. Just be aware of that.

Lifehack isn’t a religious source, but it does have a few things to say.

The first point is very relevant and hard to do; “Love yourself.” A lot of men are accused of being self-centered, and actually thinking of only yourself does cause a lot of problems. On the other hand, self-nurturing, self-compassion, and self-respect, while much needed to overcome self-loathing, can be misunderstood.

A lot of guys are separated from God because they already think they’re no good. They’ve been told they’re no good, they’ve made a lot of mistakes which adds to that, and they’ve become alienated from their loved ones which seals the deal.

Knowing that God loves you and that He has a plan for your life gives men the purpose they need, but often, it’s too vague. Living one day at a time, it’s hard to see that plan. But if we know it’s there, then it gives our lives a broader canvas upon which to be painted.

Once that has been absorbed, we still have to do something about it. We can assess what we’re good at, what gifts we have, and use those in service to others and to God. Again, that might not seem obvious at first, but if you’re good at anything, you can probably use that as a tool to help another person. It could be caring for an elderly couple’s lawn, shoveling snow for your neighbor in winter, picking up trash in a local park, really anything.

Being part of a faith community and having the Word of God as your guide gives you a standard that is unchanging and dependable. Here, you have to be careful, though. Not every place that calls itself “a church” or “a congregation” is reliable or dependable.

Having a background in Messianic Judaism and “One Law” communities has taught me this all too well. Also, as a non-Jew, trying to find an identity in Messianic Judaism has been full of trapdoors and it’s taken me a long time to sort out the distinctions.

As a friend of mine used to say, “Do not seek Christianity and do not seek Judaism, seek God first.”

Even if a “godly man” can’t find that right community, there’s still the standard that God expects of us. That doesn’t mean we have to be perfect or flawless or, having made mistakes, that we must rake ourselves over hot coals. That kind of self-blame results in all the issues we face as men.

Reading the Bible and praying daily, which I glossed over before, is a very good place to start. Beginning and ending each day centered on God is a much needed focus. Without community, there may still be individual men you can associate with, mentors or companions in faith. If you are older, you might find a purpose in helping a younger person by sharing your experiences and letting him know he’s not alone.

A faith group or group of men also can hold you accountable. They have to be trustworthy. If they exist just to tear you down when you admit to being vulnerable or make a mistake, they are worse than useless. Being held accountable doesn’t mean being yelled at or blamed. It means being supported and redirected as necessary. That usually comes from other men who have gone through exactly what you’re going through now.

I’ve heard the expression, “Be the man your children already think you are” or even “Be the man your dog already thinks you are.” The last one is humorous, but anyone who’s ever had a dog knows the kind of devotion a dog can bestow, as if the man were the greatest person ever.

We can’t be perfect, but we know what being better is. It won’t always work every day, but we can strive to be a better person tomorrow than we were today. Sometimes, it’s a matter of going to bed feeling defeated, relying on God to be there when we think no one else is, and believing that tomorrow is another chance for things to improve.

If we have damaged our relationships with others, they may have gotten tired of hearing our apologies and who’s to blame them? All you can do is try to better live up to the standards of God and hopefully, as time passes, they will see that you are changing. It may not always repair the damage, at least with everyone, but continuing to live a self-defeating life certainly won’t help.

Becoming Christians had some good ideas.

Click the link to read all of them, but they do say that men still are protectors. Not necessarily of physical threats, but of emotional, mental, or spiritual ones. With our public school system so compromised and the messages involving gender identity, culture wars, and anti-racism being constantly forced upon your children or grandchildren, you have a responsibility to monitor schools and to shield your kids against what would draw them away from God. It’s even worse in California where child abuse laws would be turned against parents allowing schools to manipulate their kids and punish Moms and Dads for acting as protectors.

Believe it or not, the age of the “gentleman” is not dead. White people have been called upon by progressives to “use their privilege” for the protection of people of color. A gentleman uses his strength, compassion, and abilities to show kindness, respect, and to provide assistance to others.

Christian men are continually growing better, closer to God, taking their goals from the Bible. They are also humble, acknowledging when they’ve made a mistake and learning from it, and endeavoring to grow into the men the Almighty made them to be.

Don’t expect attending church, reading the Bible, praying, and associating with like-minded men to result in a flawless, painless life. In my experience, coming to faith and deepening that faith also deepens the challenges. You’ll fail. You’ll let yourself and other people down. You’ll feel like it’s not worth it, like there’s no hope.

It won’t be like that all the time, but it will happen. It’s in those darkest hours when you’ll discover if you have the faith to rise again. With God’s help, you will. I’ve heard this many times before but it’s a good principle. “Being knocked down doesn’t mean you’re defeated. You’re defeated only if you don’t get up again.”

Not all men are Christians or religious Jews, yet all men face the same problems and struggles, and we are threatened by the same defeats. Not everything I’ve said will apply to an atheist or someone of a different theology or philosophy, but at least some of it will.

There will be the Barbie movies, the feminist rants, the progressive accusations, cries against the patriarchy, white supremacy, toxic masculinity, white Christian nationalism, and all of the other lies people, groups, and causes will try to push on you.

They can’t define you unless you let them.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you…” – Jeremiah 1:5 (NASB)

Yes, I know I took that out of context, but God did know us before we were born. He did and does have a plan for us. He is our definer. He made us who and what we are. Yes, we can screw up who we are, but we can’t erase it. There’s always a way to come back, no matter how far we’ve strayed.

The one thing we must not do is to let the world define us. That is our great mistake. As this series has pointed out, the world has a very dim and dismal viewpoint of men. As long as we take our definition from the world, we will fail, we will be anxious and depressed, we will seek our identity and our answers in all the wrong places. Many times those answers only lead to self-destruction through alcohol, drugs, casual sex, abusive relationships, and even suicide.

Do not listen to the world!

Listen to God. If you can’t hear Him, it’s not because He’s stopped talking. It’s because you…we have stopped listening.

Oh, there’s an Afterword to this.